Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
