On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
