Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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