I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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