My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
