Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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