Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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