He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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