I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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