U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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