it hurts more in the daytime
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
