At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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