Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
