i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
