I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
