Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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