he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
