WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
