its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
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