Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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