mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
