This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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