im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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