Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
