I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
