Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
