I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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