your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
