I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize