I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
