Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
