Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
