Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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