My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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