With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You dont lie about slip and slides
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize