Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
