Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
