I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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