So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
