you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
