you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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