There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
