just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
