her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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