Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
