When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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