Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
