"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
