worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize