I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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