haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
