yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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