So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
