EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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