I just gift wrapped bread.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize