Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
There's always time for handjobs
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
