Sry I called you an 8
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Randomize
