I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Well I just put wine in my tea
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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