Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
BRING THE BAGELS
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
