Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
