I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
